Take Two

I spent almost a year after my last breakup picking up the pieces of myself and trying to piece is back together.
First loves can be the hardest, because it’s the first time you let your inhibitions go and truly allow yourself to love someone else.
You let another person become an enormous part of your life.
You show them your flaws, your fears, your hopes, and your aspirations.
You’ll change together, explore together, and grow together.
You become inexplicable parts of each other’s lives, yet you still haven’t lost that child-like naivety, nor have your learned to be guarded.
Sometimes, they become such a large part of your life that losing them is almost like losing a part of yourself.

I spent months pouring over the broken pieces of my relationship, trying to make sense of the wreckage in front of me and fit it together like pieces of a puzzle.
I wanted to know why it didn’t work and what was wrong with me.
The thought that he was perfect and I was flawed haunted me.
I would sit there examining all the broken pieces, hoping that overanalyzing and over-thinking would somehow help me piece it together.
I now know that some things can never be fixed, and sometimes, people just aren’t meant to be together.

First loves are often romanticized.
They’re supposed to be innocent and child-like; where we enact what we’ve read about and listened to and watched in movies, in our own lives.
Our hearts flutter when we first brush hands.
We walk on air when we get that first kiss.
We leap into the abyss of love and have no notion of fear of the danger that comes with not being caught.

I once read in a book that falling in love is like riding a bike.
The author and his wife saw a couple riding and holding hands.
He commented that it was dangerous.
She replied that “They’re in love, and love is dangerous.”
While there is truth in that sentence, there is also some error.
Because the ride isn’t what hurts, but the crash.

There’s nothing wrong with falling in love.
No, falling in love is a wonderful thing.
It’s the falling out of love that’s dangerous.

The crash happening in the middle of the ride is similar to my first love.
It caused an excessive amount of fear and doubt, and resulted in my staying away from even the slightest notion of emotion for anyone.
I was so afraid of getting hurt that I would flee before there was any chance of that.
My only concern was to protect my heart at all costs.
Getting back on the bike the second time is similar to falling for someone the second time.
Really falling.
Knowing all the risks involved, you rid yourself of your fears and just let your gut feeling take over.

My first love is always going to be bittersweet.
And while there is a lot to be said about first loves, there’s something even more beautiful about falling in love again.
Because the second time we fall, we are well aware of the risks attached.
We have our scars as constant reminders of our wounds, and yet we make the conscious decision to fall anyway.
We put aside our incessant fears and qualms, and simply let our hearts take over.

As nostalgic as your first love can make you, I truly don’t even think it can compare to the second.
There is just something absolutely magical about the person who coaxes you out of the shell of protection that you had buried yourself in.
There is something absolutely undeniable about the person who make you feel safe for the first time in so long.
There is something absolutely breath-taking about the way a person can make you believe in love all over again.

Blank Space

There’s a scar right beneath his left eye, and that’s where my eyes always land first.
It’s because I’m always examining him for scars, for clues, for stories about his life that happen to be written on his face.
It’s because we’re always so close, barely more than a foot is ever between us.
In the newest, earliest stages of a relationship, isn’t that how it goes?
You’re so eager for the other person, that even when they’re sitting right next to you, it feels incredibly far.
Too far.
Come closer, always.

I’m looking for these things because I’m learning him, feeling out his history, every time we kiss and every time we touch.
It’s easy to find these things out with whispered questions and conversations over drinks and dinner, but I like it just the same when he reveals it to me without words.
I go looking for it myself, seeking out all the stories and feelings that are hidden in his body.
His eyes are always searching mine, like he’s looking as far into me as he can, searching and searching in the hours we spend all tangled up.
He’s figuring me out, maybe.
The intensity of that light brown gaze is more intimate than anything else.
It’s so much more intimate than sex, which is just a rearranging of parts that don’t even require feeling; I’ve spent plenty of nights with boys that way.
Not one of them has ever really looked at me like this, and it’s a little scary to be so closely scrutinized.
His eyes are steady, calm, and clear.
He probably doesn’t know that everything he’s thinking is reflected in them.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m feeling things solely to write about them later; if I’m thinking too hard about what’s happening and how I can shape it with words.
I do this all the time, and it becomes hard for me to get out of my own head.
Because when you’re falling for me, or when I’m feeling any sort of emotion for you, it’s going to end up in words.
That’s just what I do; that’s just the way I am.
I don’t feel anything that I don’t use somehow in my writing, and sometimes I don’t even notice I’m absorbing everything until it comes out of my hands and onto the page.

But what I do know is when I woke up this morning, everything was different.
I’m a notoriously fitful sleeper, waking with every creek and footstep.
I’m still adjusting to a new body in bed.
I have to shift my sleep patterns to accommodate someone else, as easy as he might be.
Although that’s the thing- I woke up this morning and everything felt easy, natural.
I woke up with an arm around me, pulling me close.
I woke up to forehead and shoulder kisses.
I opened my eyes, glanced across the sheets, and his were already open, looking at my messy sleep face like I was Christmas morning.
It was blessedly simply.

I don’t know what he’s looking to find in me, not yet.
I don’t know what he’s searching for in my eyes in those intense moments of silence.
But I’m looking forward to figuring it out.

Starting Over

Relationships are scary.
We all wish and daydream and hope and pray for that fantasy relationship, but once you’re dating someone, you realize that being in a relationship requires a lot of work.
They’re hard.
You have to learn how to take care of someone else, when for the longest time you only ever cared about yourself.

So there you are, stuck in a relationship you enjoyed being in a year ago.
You know it’s over.
All the signs are crystal clear.
Where has the time gone?
There used to be butterflies, and inside jokes, and constant hand-holding, and random kisses.
What the hell happened?
Oh yeah…
The bickering, the fighting, the jealousy, the insecurities, the making up, the not getting along, the not like each other’s friends, and then finally, the broken hearts.

After this cycle, you promise yourself not to be with anyone else again.
Not ever.
You tell yourself that absolutely no amount of love is worth feeling that amount of pain.
It’s not worth the risk; it’s not worth taking a chance on.
Never again will you open up to someone.
Never again will you give your body, heart, and soul to someone.
Never again will you let someone see all the complicated and dark parts you try so hard to hide from the world.
Never again will you go out of your way and make the effort to see someone.
Never again will you let someone in.
Never again will you love someone.

At least that’s what you think.
Until you meet someone else who makes your heart flutter.

And when you meet someone after a terrible heartbreak, you promise yourself that you’re going to treat this differently.
You’ll take it slow.
You won’t let him get too close.
You’ll hide parts of yourself that people had once so recklessly taken for granted.
But for what?
The best part about being with someone is being able to be yourself; to be vulnerable and open and goofy and honest.

Here are the seven reasons I broke down my walls and decided to give love another chance:

He or she misses out on you.
You are an amazing person, whether some people disagree or not.
You’re funny and exciting and sarcastic and kind.
You’re passionate and have a big heart.
You love watching football on Sundays while tossing back a few beers.
You like to sing obnoxiously to your favorite songs.
You enjoy getting dolled up and going out with your friends.
Don’t let your next significant other miss out on opportunities to be with the real you.
Be yourself.
If people like you for you, you’ll know.

You’ll miss out on love.
When you hold yourself back, you’re giving up on love.
Being afraid to open up to someone is normal.
We’re born reserved; we don’t go up to people and tell them our secrets and insecurities; our life stories.
But allowing someone in, letting someone to see the most vulnerable and raw parts of you, is absolutely beautiful.
It’s what life and love is all about.

You will never get to know him or her.
People aren’t stupid.
If you aren’t into them, they can feel it.
If you have a wall up, they’ll reciprocate and put a wall up, too.
Take the risk; open up to the other person so you can give him or her a chance to open up to you.
There is nothing more important than being with someone who is willing to grow with you each day.

When you’re finally ready, it might be too late.
“It’s too late.”
Those words can be harsh.
Those words can hit you right in the heart.
Those are words you never want to hear.
There are so many things you can blame the other person for if the relationship doesn’t work, but if you’re constantly afraid and going backwards or stuck in the same spot, he or she will become tired, disinterested, and move on.
Without you.

You’ll eventually be unhappy.
Keeping your true self away from someone you care about can take a toll on you in the long run.
You’ll get used to being so reserved and confined that it will be the only way you know.
You don’t want to end up being scared to open up to your significant other when you finally realize you are ready to be yourself.
Don’t let your last relationship ruin the possibility of being happy with someone else.

You won’t experience the real definition of adventure.
You want to be with someone who is spontaneous and exciting, right?
You want to experience new places and new feelings?
You don’t want to be alone anymore?
Think outside of your box.
Step out of your comfort zone.
Let someone in.
Yeah, it’s a whole lot easier said than done, but take a chance on someone new.
If he or she is willing to give you their all, you should do the same.
It might be the best decision you’ll ever make.

You won’t learn anything new about yourself.
Being in relationships, good or bad, only teaches you more about who you are.
It shows what you like, love, dislike, hate, don’t care for, can’t stand, crave, and won’t put up with.
Take what you’ve learned in past relationships and put it into your new one.
If it’s anything positive, great.
If it’s negative, that’s great too.
Either way, you’ll know exactly how to steer away from that negative and turn it into something positive.
Keep in mind that it might not work out with everyone.
That doesn’t mean you should give up on finding your soulmate.
Forget about the past.
It’s behind you for a reason.
Don’t dwell.
Don’t overanalyze.
Cry your tears, throw away the pictures, and move on.
If it didn’t work out with someone, there’s someone else waiting to make you happy.
Just remember that you don’t want to cheat the next person out of getting to know the full experience of you.

Love is Like Riding a Bike

Falling in love is like riding a bike.
No, seriously.
You do it once, and you simply never forget how it went.
Motor memory.
Engrained.
You get on your bike, you pedal, and you propel forward.
Predictable.
Easy.

Until it’s not.

As predictable as motor memory may be, it’s as fragile as the rest of us.
Those neural pathways can be disrupted.
They can break.
Our ability to love can break, too.

Sometimes we go so long on our own that we no longer remember quite what it’s like to put ourselves out there, to open up to another person and expose that vulnerability we so desperately shield.

Sometimes we simply stop seeking those needs from others.
Those needs of love, comfort, and loyalty.
Sometimes we decide we do not need them at all.

Eventually though, we realize we’re wrong.

Eventually, we realize we’ve dug ourselves into a bit of a rut.
How do I do this again?
Do I even want to do this again?
I don’t recall it going great the first few times around.

So we try.
Awkwardly, cautiously, and anything but whole-heartedly.
And we fail.
Face-plant.
Back out.

But we grow, too.

The thing with learning how to love again is that it’s a continuous process.
Did you learn how to ride a bike on your very first try?
Probably not.
You probably started with training wheels; cautious and afraid.
Eventually you made the transition and the commitment to two-wheels.
And you fell.
Over and over and over.
You scraped your knees, you scraped your elbows, and you were undoubtedly tempted to give up.

But then you got behind those handlebars one day and you pedaled and pedaled…
You just kept going.
We decide we want to get back out there, or at least stop loathing the idea of dating again.

So we begin with our little training wheels fastened securely to our heart.
We grow in time, with patience, and with practice.
We hurt a few people in the process.
And we hurt ourselves, too.

There’s no saying you’ll ever ride that bike again.
Maybe you don’t want to.
Maybe it’s not time.
Maybe it’s just not in the cards for you no matter how many attempts you give it.

But you try.

They say everything comes with practice.
I don’t know whether or not I believe them, but I do believe that practice creates growth.
It pushes our boundaries and it strengthens our spirit.
You don’t need to learn how to ride a bike.
You don’t need to try to love, to date, to put yourself out there.
There are no requirements in this life.
Simply opportunities.

But don’t let the fear of falling prevent you from taking that first pedal.
We’re all a little broken.
We’re all a little rusty.
We’re all a little scared if we’re being perfectly honest with ourselves.

But we’re all a little human..

Love doesn’t always fall into place.
It doesn’t always work itself out.
Sometimes we have to work towards it.
Baby steps.
Training wheels.
Broadening our own acceptance of love while working to emit it ourselves.

Live isn’t a fairytale.
Life is a six-year-old on a bike making twelve mistakes before finally getting it right.

11 Things You Need to Know Before Dating an Independent Girl

1. We need alone time.
   A little each day. And more than a little on other days. It doesn’t mean we’ve lost interest in you. It just means that I enjoy my time to myself.

   2. We don’t mind if you don’t call or text us every second.
   We like it. But we won’t be constantly contacting you either. That said, if you’re late or like to keep me guessing, I’ll make other plans.

   3. We can clean up our own messes.
   We’re not waiting for you to fix all of our problems. In fact, I wouldn’t even want you to.

   4. If we go to a party where it’s mostly your friends, I don’t need you hovering.
   I’m perfectly capable of chatting it up with endless amounts of strangers. I’ll even enjoy it. But don’t completely forget about me either, as you’re probably my favorite person in the room.

   5. We are comfortable paying our own way.
   We don’t mind splitting restaurant bills. We don’t mind covering the cost of the movie tickets. In fact, it makes us feel like we don’t owe you anything. We never expect you to pay for us or buy us gifts. If it’s not my birthday, you’re good.

   6. If you want to go watch football or go to happy hour with your friends, we’re cool with that.
   Actually, we prefer it. It gives us a chance to catch up with our own friends or spend the night catching up on our independent interests. Then the next time we see each other, we’ll have stories to tell.

   7. The idea of getting married sounds great with the right person.
   But we’re perfectly capable of taking care of ourselves. We’re perfectly fine with the idea of going through life without a partner. We choose to be in a relationship with you because we like you, not because we can’t live without you.

   8. We like to fix things ourselves. We like to change our own lightbulbs, open our own jars, and get things off of high shelves.
   Even if you’re way stronger and taller and could do it in half the time with half the effort.

   9. We can be stubborn and hard-headed about handling things a certain way, even if you’ve been there before and are simply offering advice.
   Forgive us. Let us try it out way first, even if your intentions are good.

   10. At times, we may seem so self-reliant, content, and in control of our lives that you may wonder whether you’re needed.
   You are. We’re confident and directed, but we cherish someone who appreciates, rather than fears, these qualities.

   11. We still love a big hug, affection, and to be told how cute we are.
   Tell us we look pretty in our new dress every now and then. And don’t let us shrug it off, because we will try to. Independence will never trump the desire to feel adored.

How It Feels to Fall for You

I’m falling for you, and I haven’t yet hit the ground.
Although, I feel it’s inevitable.

Sometimes I catch you looking at me.
Not in a creepy, unsettling way, but definitely a lustful way.
You want me, and I know it.
It’s as if you’re thirsty for my gaze.
As if that one connected second defines more than just physical attraction, but a longing for something more.
You look at me like you want my mind and my stories and my passion and my quirks and my heart, too.

You made a fumbling play for my heart, and you got in.
You got me.
Your persistence doesn’t go unnoticed.
You manners aren’t overlooked.
Your kind words have never been taken for granted.

You surprise me.
You’re unpredictable in the best way.
I’ve never felt something like this.
Spontaneity and security aren’t words that are supposed to mesh together so well, but somehow you make it happen.

I just want to know everything about you.
From your biggest fears to your relationship with your parents to you wildest dreams, I want to know everything and anything in-between.
Give me the dirty details; I’ll like you even more, I promise.

I melt every time you make the point to kiss my nose/cheeks/forehead/shoulders/fingers at the most random moments.
You smile literally kills me, much like the tone of your voice and the goosebumps that creep up your arms whenever I leave a trail of kisses along your tattoos.
Your goofy, yet adorable laugh is delicious.

Falling for you feels like my heart could explode at any second.
You’ll never understand the shockwave that hits my body when you tell me you can’t get enough of me, or that you can’t get over how cute I am, or when you’re laying in bed, arms stretched out, anxiously awaiting my fall into them.
It’s all so simple, yet so powerful.
Every shockwave is like a wakeup call reminding me that this is the real deal.
Like this could turn into something great.

Even as I take this fall towards you, I’m fearful.
I’m fearful because once I’m finally done falling, you could destroy me.
You could throw my heart out the window and simply fly away.
I’m taking a risk with you though, because you’re not the safe choice.
The rest of your life is going to go a million miles an hour, and you could decide to walk at any moment, leaving me running away from the pain of heartbreak once again.

But you know what?
It feels fucking exhilarating, because now that I’m falling for you, I wouldn’t want it any other way.
This is how it should feel to fall for someone.
I should catch myself smiling just thinking about you.
I should want to talk about you to all of my friends.
I should daydream and look forward to the next time I’ll get to see you again.
It’s worth the risk.
And hell, if those moments of bliss don’t make you want to put everything into a person, you’ll find yourself catching your footing before you hit the ground anyways.

Learning From Loving

As humans, we make promises to each other all the time.
They can be as simple as promising not to leave our friends alone at the bar, or as complex as promising to love someone for the rest of your life.
Sometimes, the promises are concrete.
Sometimes we intertwine our pinkies with a sacred agreement based on mutual respect and love for one another.
We lock in a physical embrace, ensuring that love will prevail no matter what.
We wear a piece of silver around our fingers as a reminder of a promise made.

In a recent journey to New York, I spent a small chunk of my time examining the famous “love-locks” on the Brooklyn Bridge.
The bridge has thousands of padlocks placed on it with names and initials inscribed, representing the everlasting love between two people.
The tradition is to put the lock onto the bridge and then throw the key into the river beneath, signifying that the act of love cannot be undone.

I still think about those locks from time to time.

And being the blissful optimist that I am, I couldn’t help but wonder as I walked along the decorative bridge showered in overwhelming bliss and sunshine, how many of these relationships have already ended?
How many people wish they could unlock the symbol of their lost love?
How many people wish they could so violently break the lock off?
How many of those locks represent a broken promise, a broken heart?
How many of these locks are little permanent reminders of love that once was?

As I spent more time thinking about it, I became more sad at the thought of all the heartbreak and lost love.
It must suck for these people to think about their locks, permanently on this bridge as a promise of a broken love.
Apparently, the hurt can be so great that people go to great lengths to remove their locks.
While standing there, I overheard a conversation between two women, discussing stories of people diving into the river in the dead of the night to retrieve the key and unlock the love for good.
Some people, in an impulsive fit of rage, even bring giant tools to break the lock off.

Now this thought made me even more depressed.
There I was, in the middle of one of the most magical cities in the world, the Manhattan skyline blaring down at me, the sun glittering on the water, sulking about the broken promises of the love locks on the bridge; remembering my own love stories gone wrong.

However, after I overanalyzed the landmark for probably way too much time, I came to a different conclusion.

The affiliation of a broken promise is never positive.
People associate broken promises with failure and disappointment; I’m sure that’s what a lot of these locks represent to ex-lovers now.
But theres a silver lining to a broken promise.
If you allow it, a broken promise can be a beautiful memory.
It can be a learning experience; it can be a reason to smile.

These past relationships don’t always have to be synonymous with failure.
The remnants of past love can be looked at as souvenirs.
The t-shirt in your drawer that still smells like him, the book her gave you sitting on your shelf, the necklace tucked away in your jewelry box that you’ve ignored since the breakup, and the pictures of you and him that you just can’t bear to throw away yet hidden in a shoebox in your closet, are all souvenirs.
And one day, you will be able to look at them with pride.

An unsuccessful relationship should never be seen as a failure.
There are lessons to be learned from every aspect of loving and losing.
You will learn as much about yourself from leaving a relationship as you will from being in one.
You subconsciously exit a relationship with a sense of self, a newfound knowledge about loving someone else, which is one of the greatest gifts another person can give you.
When you end a relationship, you’re leaving it with so much more than that with which you went it.
These broken promises are learning experiences.
And though it may be hard to recognize fresh off of a breakup, one day, the souvenirs and memories will be something to smile about.

Though not as beautiful or legitimate as a love lock, my initials are carved into a tree at my old high school with my first boyfriend’s.
Though we haven’t spoken in forever, whenever I’m in the area, I always stop and think about my younger self being so infatuated with him.
The initials represent a time in my life that signify the feelings I once had, and in a weird way, will always have for him.

I feel sad for the people who feel the need to smash their locks off of the bridge.
The locks represent a love that once was, but that doesn’t make them any less important.
Breaking up does not invalidate all of the time, effort, and love that went into a relationship.
It happened.
It was real.
It was beautiful.
It was magic.

Let the remains of your past remind you of that.
Instead of letting the broken promises break us, we should let them remind us that we were lucky enough to discover that true love really does exist.

Lessons From My Messiest Year

Last October, my world turned completely upside down.
This past year, I’ve experienced more love and heartbreak than I ever thought possible.
But I have grown so much.
I have learned so much.
And I am glad to say I made it through this past year, and I couldn’t be more proud of the path I’m on today.
These are some of the most important lessons I’ve learned through the messiest and most wonderful year of my life so far.

1. Alcohol will not disinfect your internal wounds, no matter how much it stings on the way down.

2. You cannot save someone who is lost in themselves, no matter how hard you try. Likewise, you are the only one who can save yourself.

3. Some people believe in God, or many Gods, and some don’t believe in a God at all. This has no effect whatsoever on how good of a person they are, if their marriage will work, or on how they may try to right any wrongs they have committed. Get to know people for who they are, not what religion they do or don’t believe in.

4. Sometimes your mother will cry and you will need to hug her. Do for her what she’s always done for you; repeat the same little rhymes she told you when you felt like your world was falling apart. Even the strongest people need a break sometimes.

5. A cat will never judge you for anchoring yourself to him when you feel like your world is about to wash away. Hold him close to your chest and know that if you cry, he won’t judge.

6. If your work isn’t something you’re passionate about, I feel bad for you. Waking up every morning to a job you genuinely love is exciting. Life is too short to spend it doing something you hate day after day. Find your passion. Discover yourself along the way. If you love what you do, you’ll never truly ‘work’ a day in your life.

7. People will say more with their eyes than their words. Some of the strongest pain I’ve seen was accompanied by “I’m fine’s, despite eyes whispering that they aren’t. Some of the most meaningful “I love you’s” have come from silent mouths despite eyes that scream it loud. Also, some of the most meaningless “I love you’s” can exit someone’s mouth, and their eyes are there to let you know. Some of the sweetest words come from wide grins whose message is made obsolete by cold eyes. Don’t believe someone if their eyes don’t match what they’re saying.

8. Everyone has problems and struggles, and there is no scale of less or greater than when it comes to life experiences. Do not scoff at people who have problems that seem simple to you. Do not tell others that you wish you had their problems instead of your own. Your condescension will do nothing to ease their pain, but it will make you seem like an asshole.

9. Stop looking at your phone while someone is talking to you. You honestly don’t even need to have it out. Every now and then, spend a day on an old secluded trail appreciating nature and the silence. Spend a day with a cup of coffee and a good book. Spend a day with a notebook and your own thoughts. Sometimes, the sound of your own breathing and the scatter of leaves is the only soundtrack you need.

10. You do not need to love or be with someone just because they love you. If it isn’t right, it isn’t right. Sometimes love is not enough, no matter how much of a good person they are. Kiss their forehead one more time and walk away before they become even more attached.

11. There is no dream that is too big for you to accomplish if you work for it. Don’t listen to those who say you can’t. Don’t listen to those who wish something else for you. No one knows the passion you feel, the dreams you dream, or the extent of your desire better than yourself. And no one will be sorrier than you if you don’t go after what you want.

12. You will make it. There may be nights where you cry yourself to sleep and where things don’t seem better in the morning. And there may be weeks where you just don’t feel like staying around any longer. But you can, and will, make it.

Words

Words are magical.
It amazes me what multiple combinations of 26-letters strung together written or spoken by another human being can make us feel.
So here is a collection of some of the words that have inspired me, changed my perspective, helped me grow, made me feel like I wasn’t alone, and kind of changed my life.

“The thing about chaos, is that while it disturbs us, it too, forces our hearts to roar in a way we find secretly magnificent.”
-Christopher Poindexter

“You don’t need anyone’s affection or approval in order to be good enough. When someone judges you, it isn’t actually about you. It’s about them and their own insecurities, limitations, and needs, and you don’t have to internalize that. Your worth isn’t contingent upon other people’s acceptance of you- it’s something inherent. You exist, and therefore, you matter. You’re allowed to voice your thoughts and feelings. You’re allowed to assert your needs and take up space. You’re allowed to hold onto the truth that who you are is exactly enough. And you’re allowed to remove anyone from your life who makes you feel otherwise.”
-Daniell Koepke

“I am homesick for a place I am not even sure exists. One where my heart is full and my soul is understood.”
-Unknown

“Your profession is not what brings home your weekly paycheck. Your profession is what you’re put here on Earth to do, wish such passion and such intensity that it becomes a spiritual calling.”
-Vincent Van Gogh

“You have more to do than be weighed down my pretty or beautiful. You’re a fiery heart and a wicked brain. Do not let your soul be defined by its shell.”
-Unknown

“Students who are loved at home come to school to learn, and students who aren’t, come to school to be loved.”
-Nicholas A. Ferroni

“Refuse to be that person that, like so many others, is still driving down the same road, years down the line, mournfully longing to go back in time to be given just one more chance to take the road that they know they should have taken because they ignored all possible extraordinary signs. It’ll never get easier to make the leap and this is your chance, so make the change. Take the road now.”
-Victoria Erickson

“Unless someone can look into the core of your heart, and see the degree of your passion, or look into the depths of your soul and see the extent of your will, then they have no business telling you what you can and cannot achieve. because while they may know the odds, they do not know you.”
-Sandra Kring

“One belongs to New York instantly. One belongs to it as much in five minutes as in five years.”
-Thomas Wolfe

“The fact that our hearts yearn for something Earth can’t supply is proof that Heaven must be our home.”
-C.S. Lewis

“Try to learn to breathe deeply, really to taste your food when you eat, and when you sleep, really to sleep. Try as much as possible to be wholly alive with all your might, and when you laugh, laugh like hell. And when you get angry, get good and angry. Try to be alive. You will be dead soon enough.”
-Ernest Hemingway

Once in A Lifetime

Yesterday, I was texting a friend I hadn’t talked to in a while.
As we did our quick catch-up, she asked me how my ex was doing.
After I told her that I hear he’s doing pretty well, she asked how my love life was.
I told her point-blank that it was damn-near non-existent.
She gave me immediate sympathy and sadness.
I’m used to that.
It’s the kind of reaction you get after the man you thought you were going to be with forever breaks up with you and marries someone else.
She texted me that she knows I’ll find someone new someday and that I will love him just as much, if not more.
Her words that were supposed to make me feel better about losing who I once thought was the love of my life, really got me thinking.

I hope she is wrong.
I hope I never find someone I love as much as I loved him.

I don’t say that because I’m a cynic, and I don’t say that because I deep-down dream we’ll get back together.
I say that simply because the love I shared with him was too much for me.
It was raw, it was passionate, it was all-encompassing, it was emotional.
It was everything.
He was the first thing I thought about in the morning and the last thing I thought about at night.
I felt incomplete when he wasn’t around, and when he was near, it felt like everything was right in the world again.
He made me crazy emotional and affectionate.
It was like our entire time together was a roller coaster of missing him, loving him, and needing him.

And I pray to God I never ever feel that way again.

I hope my ex was the love of my life because I never want to feel that kind of love again.
It changed my life and what I felt when I was with him is something that I will cherish for the rest of forever.
I fell in love and loved every minute of being in it.
But I never want to feel it again.
The kind of pain and hurt that ended up mixing in with such passionate love was too much for me.
It was too much for my heart to handle, and when he decided to leave me, I didn’t understand how the world would keep turning.

But it did keep turning.
And one day, the ache in my chest began to fade.
All the broken little pieces of my heart and soul slowly seemed to begin putting themselves back together.
That’s when I realized I don’t need that kind of love in my life.
It’s not that I don’t want to fall in love again.
I can’t wait to fall in love again.
But I hope and pray it’s a very different kind of love.

I don’t want someone to be my other half.
I want someone who makes me feel whole on my own.
I don’t want to miss someone so much it hurts.
I want to know that even when I am apart from him, I can trust him and know that he is coming home to me.
I don’t want him to be my last thought when I go to bed at night, because I want him to be beside me when I go to bed at night.
I don’t want him to be the best part of me.
I want him to encourage me and push me to be my best self on my own.
I want a partner.
I want someone I can rely on.
I want a love that makes me smile and go to bed completely content, not one that keeps me up at night.

My ex taught me more about love and life than he will ever know.
After the break up, my friends always told me that he would never find someone who loved him quite like I did.
They said it to make me feel better, but I hope the same is true for him, too.
We were naive and loved being in love.
But it was the wrong kind of love.
I hope it was a once in a lifetime kind of love for both of us.
I hope we both find a better, more whole kind of love.